


Goldilocks and the Three Reviews: A Fandom Fable

by scatteredlogic



Category: Fairy Tales and Related Fandoms
Genre: Ficlet, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-11
Updated: 2005-06-11
Packaged: 2017-10-12 11:19:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/124304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scatteredlogic/pseuds/scatteredlogic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A facetious fandom fairytale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goldilocks and the Three Reviews: A Fandom Fable

Once upon a time, a fandom member named Goldilocks decided to write a story in response to a challenge that had piqued her interest. So Goldilocks mulled over a story line, researched the plot elements, and began to write. When she'd finished a chapter, Goldilocks gathered her courage together and sent that first chapter out into the wilds of the fandom to be read by the various denizens of that world.

She didn't expect many reviews. After all, she was new to this particular area of the fandom forest and it took a bit for the native inhabitants to become accustomed to seeing her and to not be frightened away at the prospect of a bad story.

At last, the reviews began to arrive.

"Too sweet," said the first review.

"Too bitter," said the second review.

But the third review had a little smilie face and said, "This is just right."

The disparity between the reviews surprised Goldilocks, but she was encouraged at the knowledge that her story was being read. So she worked harder, blending in more plot elements, punching up her dialog and adding more description. With a feeling of satisfaction (and no small amount of trepidation), she once again sent a chapter out into the forest.

"Too long," said the first review.

"Too short," said the second review.

But the third review winked at her and said, "This is just right."

At this point, Goldilocks was perplexed. How could she get such different reviews for the very same story? But she banished those doubts from her mind and redoubled her efforts. Working long into the night, she typed her little fingers raw as the story poured out of her. Feeling a bit daring, she composed a sex scene. Once again, she sent her chapter out into the forest and waited anxiously.

"Too hard-core," said the first review.

"Too fluffy," said the second review.

But the third review drooled and said, "This is just right."

At that point, Goldilocks threw up her hands in frustration. This was impossible! No matter what she did, no matter what she wrote, someone was unhappy with her story. She paced her little cottage furiously.

"Oh, I need help!" Goldilocks finally cried.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and an average looking woman stood in the middle of the cottage. This woman held a dictionary in one hand and a red pen in the other. _The Chicago Manual of Style_ hovered over her head like a halo.

Goldilocks gaped for a moment, dumbstruck. Finally, she stammered, "Who... Who are you?"

The woman smiled. "I'm your fairy godmother, Beta."

"Fairy godmother?" Goldilocks blinked. "Aren't you in the wrong fable? I don't think there was a fairy godmother in—"

Beta rolled her eyes. "Watch it, Goldie. Adhering to canon is one thing, being priggish is another. Now, do you want my help or not?"

"Can you help me with my reviews? I'm so terribly confused."

"No." Beta sighed. "I can help with characterization, punctuation, grammar, story line, plot holes, even research, but I can't help with reviews." Beta pursed her lips and looked thoughtful. "Reviews are dangerous things. They can make an author happy or make an author sad. Or..." her voice lowered ominously, "they can eat an author alive."

"What?"

"Oh, yes. I've seen it happen and it's a messy business." Beta grimaced. "Authors becoming obsessed with reviews, complaining about the quantity of reviews, complaining about the quality of reviews, temper tantrums, flouncing out of the fandom, then sneaking back in to post under assumed names—"

"All that because of reviews?" Goldilocks was horrified.

Beta nodded, her expression somber.

"Oh, what should I do?" Goldilocks implored.

Beta shrugged. "My advice is to remember that most reviews are much like choices in porridge, chairs, and beds; they draw heavily on personal preference."

Goldilocks looked at Beta and frowned. "That's _it?_ That's the best advice that you can give me?"

Beta narrowed her eyes. "Hey, this isn't a paid position, you know. If you want professional advice, call Dr. Phil." And with that, Beta waved her red pen and disappeared.

 

 **The moral(s) of this story:**

1\. Reviews aren't bears. They'll only eat you alive if you let them.  
2\. Don't piss off your beta or she'll disappear on you.

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> This is my tongue-in-cheek commentary on what was (at the time) a fandom kerfuffle over reviews.


End file.
